|Posted on March 18, 2018 at 1:20 AM|
In the trailer for the Marvel film Avengers: Infinity War Thanos, a key villain in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, says some unsettling words that ultimately managed to break my months-long silence. And it happened despite the fact that he is a negative influence as a supervillain, and how the film hints at several of the superheroes meeting their end as well. Those are not positive, yet they became a positive influence for me because I chose to perceive them that way. Given my experience with mindfulness I have used forms of adversity, such as what is portrayed in the movie trailer, to my advantage.
"In time, you will know what it's like to lose.
To feel so desperately that you're right, yet to fail all the same.
Run from it.
Destiny still arrives." -Josh Brolin, Thanos (Avengers: Infinity War trailer)
[With the following background movie trailer music: Hi-Finesse - Disintegration (in collaboration with Alan Silvestri)]
There is truth in what Thanos says, which I have already referenced. You will know what it's like to lose; yet to fail all the same. It is basic realism in a simple form. Not everyone will make it in life. The Pittsburgh Steelers won't always win a game (even though I wish they did better than the New England Patriots). Eventually, a person will fail and will fall. What is important is the effort to pick ourselves up and continue forward. I know this because I am living proof of the capability of living with considerable mental illness such as suicide. Yet, here I am. Still.
This is where the positive tone of my writing this week begins to wane. Proof is as simple as the fact that I split this blog entry, about Avengers: Infinity War, into three separate posts. Even to the end of that last paragraph above, you are seeing a live example of just how hesitant and insecure I am for being too honest about my feelings. Over time, I have known what it's like to lose. I've felt so desperately that I am right about being positive and that I can make it. Yet, I still feel that I will fail all the same... anyway...
The origin of my mental illness, back in 1994, came from the only mental health symptom that I have not been able to cope with or overcome - career anxiety and indecision. Not for two thirds of my life. That, is what I am finally having to face once and for all. Right here. Right now. And time is not on my side at the age of thirty six no matter how young that simple number is to anyone.
"Dread it. Run from it. Destiny still arrives."
Before continuing, if you would please, I encourage all who read this to look up the background music played for this movie trailer (Hi-Finesse - Disintegration) and for the Spider-Man Homecoming movie trailer (Colossal Trailer Music - Zeitgeist) which is also pretty intense. It will help to convey my point. How and why exactly was the negative, foreboding tone of Thanos' words able to finally reach into me after several months of relative isolation and silence?
I am my own worst enemy, now.
After 24 years and with all things considered, I can't help but feel that I simply will not make it for much longer. How long I do not know. I'm sorry...
This is not a threat. It is not a game, or to be manipulative with anyone's feelings or desires to help. It is not to garner a single person's sympathy or pity. What I spoke of a week ago when starting this blog series, the conflict I wage about whether to be positive or to be realistic and honest, I have to draw the line somewhere. I cannot be who I have become without being honest.
...and for tomorrow's blog you'd better buckle your seatbelts. Destiny gets rather tense to handle and so do I.
[Now, the conclusion]
March 19th, 2018:
"For a reason... Conclusion" (Caution for intensity)