Journeyman's Row
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Part of the journey...

Posted on April 22, 2019 at 1:05 AM

For all of the Marvel and MCU fans out there (you are awesome, by the way), here is a helpful link to last year's Avengers: Infinity War-themed blog series 'Marvel-ous Moments':


March 11th, 2018:


"Before I begin, again"



Before I begin, I want to pay my humble respects to my first resource case manager/coordinator. They were also the first person who facilitated my path into treatment at a troubled time when I needed all the help I could get. I had formed a very close bond before her unexpected decision to move on (two weeks ago). If you are reading this, you will always have a special place in my heart. Yes, I am here. But I wouldn't be where I am without your distinguished guidance when others had failed me. No matter what happens in my life from here, you have been someone I can and will always look up to with gratitude and pride. Thank you for believing in and being here for me when I needed it most. Bless your dear heart.




“Part of the journey is the end.” -Robert Downey Jr., Tony Stark (Avengers: Endgame trailer #1).


[With the following background movie trailer music: Audiomachine - So Say We All]



Part of the journey is the end, but I have not reached mine. At least not yet anyway. Kind of ironic when I think about it to be honest. Very ironic... During April of last year my symptoms were beginning to spike. I felt as though the end of my journey was near. Three and four months later, it almost happened too. I considered the unthinkable while struggling to withstand stigma in my own community from people I thought I could turn to for help.


I survived, yes. Yet, here I am... still suffering the silent treatment from those who were responsible. People who may still believe they did nothing wrong. Well, I can understand that. No, really. I can understand. I am being serious not disrespectful. Think about it. Would you realize you did something wrong until you realized you did something wrong? Honestly, no. So, my heart and my 'door' will remain open to reconcile - and forgive - these individuals at any time.


However, I doubt the silent stigma will be resolved besides the fact it hasn't happened yet. One of the people responsible recently expressed their concern that we need to end this kind of silence (being stigmatized/feared because of your mental health). I couldn't tell if they were being honest, or just doing a stale job acting the part. We need to reach people, they said. You know, and I mean these words with 110% respect for this individual... I. Could. Not. Agree. More.


We do need to reach people. More people. Everyone. End of story. No barriers. No holding back. Stop encouraging stigma. Put an end to bullying. Enough is enough with only one suicide loss. Save lives, plain and simple. Amen.


I could not agree more.


The unfortunate thing is, though... When this person made their statement, I would have loved to speak up hoping to end the silence I have been enduring. To try working towards a mutual and positive resolution with them. How long has it been since everything happened? It's going on 8 to 9 months now respectively. Did I dare speak up in the presence of the rather highly revered mental health professional? Would I have been able to end the silence if I acted first? Nope. But why?


Retaliation.


Who am I? I am not a respected community leader or with the 'right' connections. How could two people be so far apart in the same room when 'we' need to reach people? They knew what had taken place yet still had the nerve to claim ending the silence of stigma was a high priority. It is. It should be. For Pete's sake, it should be for everyone. Not just for a privileged inner circle group of best friends or those identifying any which way they may be different from others around them. Take my word for it.


It. Matters. How. People. Are. Treated.


At least I finally realized the theme of my advocacy as a result of the discrimination and stigma I faced. Taking a negative and making it a positive.


Two years ago, this person must have also confidently believed they had psychologist experience and knew better. Even though, with their work background, they had no right to insist I did not have social anxiety disorder. Funny... My counselor would disagree, because she knows what she is doing and is strictly qualified to assess my mental health. What needs to end first are less discussed barriers to mental health acceptance such as hypocrisy and selfishness.


Can you imagine how much worse stigma like this is to endure while also being a suicide attempt survivor? If I hadn't had the inner strength, friends, and family members to support me last summer, I would have reached the nearest cliff to jump from instead. We need to reach people... Sorry for letting my contempt and emotions show so much. Sharing personal experiences with suicide should not be a crutch or used as an excuse. In my humble opinion, at least.


I do not want expressing the worst of what I experience to make anyone feel sorry for me. The best people in my life are capable and willing to hear me out when I need someone. Bless their hearts; you know who you are. So, when I am shunned by those dedicated to ending stigma and achieving mental health acceptance (you know who you are too), it is hard to look in the mirror. It is hard to recognize where I am right now compared to this time last year...


With true suicide rates as they are, you'd think people would actually take mental health acceptance much more seriously. Enough was enough when I lost a fellow ninth grade classmate to suicide. When was this? 22 years ago. That was 6 years before my own attempt, so 16 years since then. When is enough going to be enough? Stop the stigma. End the silence. If your goal is to reach people then reach them. Do not make life difficult for anyone whose life is already difficult enough. Please?


It matters how people are treated.


Not tomorrow. Not the next day. Not when you feel like it.


If someone was in my place and endured what I did, since last summer, but were not as strong, had less peer support, no treatment plan or team in place until they felt there was nothing left for them in this life but to end theirs... Would it really be important what car they drove, where their parents or guardians lived, what their political views or religious beliefs were? Would it really matter any way they may have been different from anyone else? When all they needed was someone to show them a path towards a positive recovery and beneficial treatment.


Why do I take mental health acceptance so seriously? Simple. Lives are at stake. Least of all, my own. I am a suicide attempt survivor. Am I proud? Do I express vibrant, colorful pride for any of my mental health experiences? Am I proud I have had to live with the decision of wanting to kill myself? The stigma lurking over my head whenever I speak of it... No. Experiences like these really put life into perspective. Trust me.


To take this negative and make yet another positive from it, I happen to have a special surprise update to reveal here. During the National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month of September, NAMI has decided to publish my suicide prevention article submission.


My third NAMI Blog!

Woooooo!


The timing couldn't be more perfect, neither the honor nor necessity more profound. Suicide prevention initiatives are as imperative as ever. Not only will my article cover a broad range of as many as 7 sub-topics on suicide, my Blog will be searchable for key words at any time on NAMI's website once it is published, and my own polished writing from personal experiences with suicide will be published during the most ideal awareness month when NAMI's extensive audience will be most receptive to it. I know where I will be when it comes time to prepare the final draft during this summer. Still here.



"I am here.

Each of You are here.

We are here, together.

Together, mental health acceptance is possible." My words.



Due in part to the ongoing silent stigma I am enduring, unfortunately I have not reached a positive (end) of my mental health recovery journey yet. Allow me to take this another step further and share with you an engaging discussion about mental health treatment.



April 23rd, 2019:

"Part of the Journey...  Part Two"

Categories: To Know Me Better, Mental Health & Awareness, Barriers, No More

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1 Comment

Reply Bill Krill
6:23 AM on April 24, 2019 
Good blog effort! You are ?spot on? with ? how people are treated matters?, I could not agree more! As a professional and a sufferer, I am in perhaps the unenviable position to see both sides of the counseling chair. Keep up your important advocacy work!