|Posted on August 15, 2019 at 4:00 PM|
(edited; previously posted on TheMighty.com)
If you think depression and anxiety symptoms are hard to deal with on a daily basis...
...try living without proper diagnosis or conventional treatment for at least 20 years. And I'm only in my late thirties.
Sure I lasted this long without treatment (for most of my symptoms), though I definitely would not recommend it. Think of the thoughts that have rip-roared through my mind for all this time. Think of what goes through my mind now, because of being so late to treatment yet so deceptively young.
Sometimes I just feel like a prisoner in my own skin. Who actually stares out from behind these brown eyes? As if I am destined to struggle with things often taken for granted. Do I belong here? Am I meant to find true love? Why keep trying? People hate me. I don't deserve to be acknowledged that I exist. Have I enough strength left to face the loneliness of despair, hatred of the haters, and the certainty of the unknown.
As if that wasn't enough...
I am shamed because of being honest and brave enough to share my story ("unwanted recovery story"). The stigma I've faced so far has been from mental health practitioners and community volunteers who claim they are against such stigma. Without enough support behind me, I am powerless against such influential people.
I am hated because of my sexual orientation ("straight" privilege). I've never been homophobic or abusive towards anyone. Whether my critics like it, accept it, or not, I am not anti-LGBT. I. Am. *Anti-bullying*. That is not being neutral or helping the so-called 'enemy'.
I am despised because of my skin color ("white" people, "white" privilege). Since I first learned about the Civil Rights Movement in Junior High School, I've been strongly anti-racist from being inspired by Martin Luther King Jr. Judge by content of character. Amen.
I am feared because of my gender ("toxic masculinity"). I've felt incredibly guilty about this for a long time, because of immoral abuse, violence, and murder of women and children by men every single day. Frankly, there are times I'm ashamed of being a guy. Having to face additional stigma on top of this though, does not make my life any easier.
I am bullied because in some way, somehow, people see me as "the enemy". Troubled individuals who have nothing better to do then lash out at those around them. Either that, or spread rumors behind my back that they know are not true. Even some who go to Church and claim to be pious. I do not, nor will I ever bow down to social stereotypes or self-appointed 'justice warriors' who, in many cases, are nothing more than hypocrites themselves.
Enough is enough with tragedies like Columbine, or the first suicide I ever lived through (9th grade). Not now when you decide to be 'woke' because of your social media narcissism. Anyone can be racist. Anyone can be hateful. And everyone who is should be held accountable with uncompromising fairness. Just like anyone is susceptible to take their own lives from being treated so negatively. Unacceptable.
Yet, I still stand back up because "I can do th;s all day". How? Sometimes I wonder. I am fortunate that I can. Those who cannot never find that happiness in life they long for so much. Only moments of wretched s;lence. They deserve more. A helluva lot more. We can do better. I've seen it, too. All those beloved, caring people... You know who you are. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
Th;s is why I feel so driven to bring together a group of remarkable people. Grit, courage, shield and all. To help put bullying behavior, stigma and hatred on notice. To begin a trend where it is no longer socially acceptable to go out of your way and be mean towards others.
I am not going to stop being a compassionate person no matter how, why, or by whom decides to hate and bully me. Not now. Not ever. I care for life.
Th;s guy is here to stay.
So should you be.